It doesn't end here

And you thought the psychotic games are over.

It hasn't.





*Ecstatic*
More of this please because we are all sick in the head. =B




This is another interesting one. A guy in self-denial, obsessed with a sex doll cause he can't find a real girl to love. This would definitely give me a good laugh.

What's life without adventure?

NO LIFE.

Boredom is killing me.

Every starting of the week I will be longing for Friday to come. But whenever it's the weekends, I lose the excitment knowing that it would just be another usual 2 days off from work. Before you know it, it's back to the 5days work week routine before you actually got the chance to do anything productive, or anything at all.

Almost got over it completely till you came back and leave me hanging all over again. Ego booster? Ability to monopolize makes you feel good huh? To take control, to dominate, makes one feel superior huh? That's one major ego problem you've got there. Sorry to disappoint, I am not letting it affect me because I very well know what you are trying to do. You are successful in every other way that people see you but not as a person. Because the only person you care and love is yourself and respect for others is never there. Your world revolves only around you, family and work. You never really needed anyone else. Let me put it this way, you like it without strings attached. No responsibility. No commitment. Correct? Hardly ever go wrong from what I have observed.

Hey, I really think I would do very well in Psychology.

Ok, I can respect that, I think I should. I can't expect everyone's expectations or the wants in life to be the same. Just angry that you treated me like another escapade, or rather, another taxi driver of yours.

I have always been sincere to the people around me but why do they always try to play games with me? It's disheartening. Life is short everyones knows, if that's how you think you should live it, jolly well go ahead. With no dignity.


Xia xue, the well known blogger had this short section in one of her posts about death.
Imagine hor, if afterlife really exists and you look like how you were just at the end of your life, wouldn't you be super pissed off if you jumped off a building instead of taking sleeping pills to commit suicide?I must keep that in mind if I ever wanna die.Digressing even further, Mike says that he thinks that when people die, NOTHING happens.When I asked him what he means, he asked me back, "Did you ever go under (general anesthesia)?"I told him no (my nose job's one I was fully awake), and he said it is a really queer feeling, like you just stop being in existance.Nothing.Just a little part of your life was lived without you even knowing it.You wake up later and that period when you were down is just a... blank.Isn't it scary?I told him that I am mortified of death because I think that when people die, their souls are trapped inside their immobile and dysfunctional bodies, just exactly like how we are when we sometimes get the "bei gui ya" (a Chinese saying meaning 'trapped under a ghost') feeling.For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, sometimes, when you get really tired and you fall asleep, you wake up and you are actually conscious of your surroundings, but you just can't move your body!Not a muscle. Well, I think its possible to like twitch your fingers but that's about it.So you just sort of loll around in bed under you finally, with a might jerk, wake yourself up.It's a terrible, terrible feeling and I HATE IT! I always get it when I take afternoon naps!And what if after we die THAT happens? Except we can't even jerk ourselves awake ever again!I wonder when in that state we can actually feel PAIN? You think? What if when we die (ie break our neck) we can completely feel pain but can't move or express it!!OK I got to stop this topic and go back to hair extensions.But why so many people claim to have seen ghosts but they never ask the ghosts what happens when people die ah?!

I remembered started thinking bout death as early as Primary 4, which would still make me skip a heartbeat whenever I think about it. And I think it scared the hell out of my classmate Amanda Ee when I shared it with her, like "What the hell is this girl thinking man." It was about 2 years after my grandma's death so i suppose it wasn't directly related?

Imagine not breathing (or you could try holding your breath now), lying in your coffin rotting away, not knowing what your decendants have been up to, not aware of the things going on a few feet above you, even if there is a World War 3. So what if you are someone great in this lifetime? You would probably be forgotten in decades' time. No one would have known you existed. Even if there is such thing as reincarnation, you wouldn't remember anything from the previous lifetime. Everyone starts from the very begining. Well who knows, maybe you just stop right here after death, reincarnation is just another bullshit. Anyway, would you even know you are dead? It would probably seem to you that it's just another sleep you practically do on every other nights. No thoughts. Nothing. Yea, you probably would feel practically nothing.


On a lighter note, got a pair of tickets to the 933fm Radio Awards tomorrow from my boss. (His wife is his first girlfriend mind you! Got to see her wife's and daughter's photos and hey, not bad... Wife is pretty lor!) He bought a $2000+ Canon camera and it came with the tickets. If only it's Linkin Park's Concert instead. Guess what, Chemical romance is coming in December too! Argh... What sia... Might be going. Sort of found a khaki, but still cant decide.

Recently became quite crazy over Muse, the group. Happened to listen to quite a few of their songs and they are great! How do I put it? A little emo? Soft rock? Ha, rock music again. This is another band to look out for.

My course is ending in about 3 weeks' time, then I would have time to go back to the night run routine I used to do! I need it man. Got to put myself back into shape. And maybe squeeze in a session of kickboxing? And sweat it all out! It's so damn fun if you have never tried it before.

Now what's giving me headache is the deadline for the completion of all the assignments before the evaluation/presentation day. *Glup*

-STRESS-

Woke up feeling different for a change

Feeling all hyped up about what's in store for me. So many years to come, so many things waiting for me, I can't allow minor things to put me down and stop me from doing my 'thang'.

I have been an eager bunny, to grow up, to do more adult stuff. And my thinking, makes myself more mature than my peers. And boring. I am capable of bullshitting and crapping too you know. You can verify with my colleagues and boss.

Mature is good alright, no one realised I have been through alot to get myself in this state, troubled by other stuffs when my peers have only their studies to take care of. Such blessing I don't get from my childhood.

Childhood? I have long gotten over with it.

But the very few who noticed touches me when they seem to understand the condition I am in or was put under. Everyone needs to go through some hardship to make them grow. One was an Indonesian friend who had stayed with me and aunt for quite some time while working in Singapore, left a letter for me before heading off a few years back. It felt really good when someone understands and concerns about you. It was a very small gesture I did for her, I didn't know what else to do but ensure her everything will be alright when she read her friend's letter, cant remember regarding what, and started crying. She knew I am not really expressive but she felt it. She felt i cared anyway. I was there for her. Tears welled up in my eyes after reading the letter with other stuff she wrote. Completely touched. Because she cared enough to notice it. To notice me.

B was also the other who touched me with the few words he said. "Only I care." That simple. It was good enough.

Anyway I came across this immature working adult pair last night on the bus. Their subject was sweet (too sweet in fact), but for primary school students ok. Imagine their stupid small conversation I had to endure throughout my entire 20mins journey home. Not that I wanna eavesdrop but my MP3 was out of battery. Sounding so childish,was curious to see how they look like and managed to get a glimpse. So adult-like but the mentality... ermm... Some people just need to grow up. Anyway, I dont wanna seem like an old hag already when I am just 20, I wanna have fun too! Decided to enjoy this moment while I am still young, the other more adult stuff can wait and enjoyed later.

It was a good sleep last night that ended with a sweet dream. Three "important" men appeared in it. They are the people whom I used to like. The 2 Bs and M.

M was just another a few pages long chapter in my life. I decided to leave him out of the rest of it for good. I begin to believe in fate like what my boss said, it's fate that brought me to this company, to have this amazing boss. I believe M is also another amazing person I had to meet. He made me realise when you wanna do something, do it well and do it good. Do it with PASSION.


Back back back, to how I started my morning.

For the first time, rather than flipping through the papers for weekend shopping deals in town, I actually took some time to read the articles.

One is this duo who held an unconventional Gothic wedding party. What puzzles me the most is that can a couple with a difference of 14 years of age date? They started 11 years ago so that would make the woman 20 and the man 34. What a coincidence. Not that age gap this big matters to me, I was in this situation myself. And I was so naive to think so seriously about it, thinking that hey, it's possible. But that also depends who you are dealing. There are many factors for you to consider. For their case is different then. In the article the man said this sweet little thing when asked about how they managed to pull through this long and hard relationship they had, when they were constantly being separated from each other. I quote: "If you love each other, nothing is difficult, lah." Yes, love. And compromise. You don't have to say it. It's just words. Show it and let it be felt. All people who keep complaining they cant afford to fork out time for someone, look, they made effort to meet even though they are countries apart for long periods. So no excuse. Nothing difficult is going to stop you if you really want to do it. I always believe the ultimate problem is whether you want to or not.

Came across this Epi-Lasik advertisement. No cutting of cornea surgery, just laser refractive surgery so not as creepy. But the risk is still there I suppose. Might plan to go for it in the near future.

Read some work/office related article too. With the influence of M, I plan to have a career instead of just having another 9 to 5 job. For that, it's not too early to start working on it now.

Hey! I have a goal to aim for now. Not bad eh.

What vintage are you?

This is the black Reese Clutch I have been wanting to get from Fossil. Finally!



A little oriental chic? It also comes in another colour that is a mixture of browns and autumn reds. Slightly more o-biang, but the different tones and shades are nice.

Was contemplating whether to get the adjustable sling, which came in more colours, and the size is big enough to contain more stuff. Decided to stick to the clutch since the bag isn't really my style. Tempted by the huge shoulder bag with the same design too but it's far too big for me. It comes along with a huge price tag of $500+ by the way.

At the same time, bought a "card wallet" with money clip for my sister to qualify myself for the 15% discount with spending of above $200. Since she has been looking for a money clip, why not? Take this chance is buy her an advance birthday present for next year. Hehe. It's in January so not too bad huh.



I like this too la! Damn vintage and rugged look lor. Slim too.

Seriously almost went on a Fossil Spree man. Lucky thing I was disciplined enough to stop myself from buying their watch even though I hardly, actually don't, have the habit of wearing a watch.

I think I have had enough of spending. Better refrain myself from going on more window shopping, afraid that my 'to-buy' list will keep getting longer.

Just get rid of my Paragon shopping voucher and that's it!


Will just end here with photos of my nice and cozy room after the renovation though it has been like 5 months after completion. Spring cleaned it a week or two ago so thought it would be a good chance for me to take a picture of it. Don't envy hor. Keke.







I LOVE MY LOUNGE CHAIR!

Ringxiety

Read it here.

I believe many of us have experienced this before, thinking that your phone is ringing or that you felt the vibration coming from your phone whether it is in the pockets of your pants, on your work desk or wherever else you could have left your phone.

Quite scary when it seems like you are dangerously going psychotic all because of an electronic device. Rather stupid too.

Gotta admit that I have such habit of checking my phone once in a while hoping that something is there waiting for me. Especially when my phone is on silent mode, not hoping to miss out anything "important". Sad but true, you have to agree with me that everyone is too obsessed with, and dependent on their mobiles.

I would actually like the idea of being disconnected from the rest of the world for a while, get in touch with nature more and less of such technology stuff like the internet. Chill and enjoy the simple things in life would be as wonderful.

Making sure that my mobile is not fully charged to last me throughout the weekend is a good way to start.

Speaking of mother nature and the simple things in life, one of my colleagues went Indonesia alone to backpack and came back with quite a couple of photos. It is quite refreshing to go for such trips to leave the city life for a few days, take some time off to unwind and recharge yourself.

Plan to join him on his next trip which probably would be year end. I am sure that wouldnt cost me a bomb.

Maybe not even half of the HK trip I made a few months back.

Expectations. Does it matter?

It is not about you meeting my expectations.
It doesn't matter.

Yes, to me but at least not to you.
So it doesn't matter.
Doesn't matter if it doesn't affect you.
It wouldnt be, and it isn't your problem.
It's mine.

What matters is whatever that pleases you.
Watever satisfies you.
Right?
If you are self-centered enough.

Dont like the idea of making people's life miserable.
I wouldnt even try to.
I don't FORCE.
Never liked the idea of forcing people to do something against their own will.

Just give what you can afford to give.
Or what, how much of your time and effort you think I am worth.

Not so much that would leave me asking for more.
Especially when you know you don't have the ability to fulfill.

It is actually a very small and simple request I ask for and you think it's too much for you to handle already.

I can't blame you for being too career-minded or that you cared more for your family and other friends.
I like you for being that.
Being attractively
Serious. Humourous. Intelligent. Doing things with PASSION.
I enjoy your company very much.
I llike the way you make me feel.
You simply have a way with women.
Not exactly a very good thing I suppose.

The problem is that I don't even know what relationship we are in.
I am confused by the illusion given to me.

Afraid to ask because I don't wish to make a fool out of myself.
Allow you to laugh at me for being naive.

But I was really curious to know exactly where I stand.

So eventually it seems that it is all a one-sided thing.
After flaring up and testing you out.
Thought you should at least know how I feel.
Which you didn't seem to care much about.
And that explains all the weird things you got from me.

Don't think I was in any position to demand anything from you.
Overestimated myself.

Sorry that I get too serious at times.
I don't wish to live in a fantasy world.
For I fear for this little fragile heart of mine when reality hits.

Guess this is an adult thing.
Responsible for your own actions and face whatever consequence that comes along.
Caution is the key.
It's not a game for the weak hearted.


It is really comforting to listen to the song " I Will Survive".
How dramatic.
Over dramatized for my case but listen to the lyrics carefully and you will know for yourself if it really helps.

So beautiful it makes you wanna cry

It's a state of bliss, you think you're dreaming
It's the happiness inside that you're feeling
It's so beautiful it makes you wanna cry

Lyrics of Avril's Innocence.

Anyway, ever been overwhelmed by the unbelievable beauty of something/someone?

No?

Learn to appreciate and you will see the beauty that lies within.

RELEASE . RELIEVE . REPRIEVE

My HappyHour goes like this:
Daily dose of sunshine/blue skies strictly on Mondays to Fridays, 10am - 10pm.

Off HH/Saturdays & Sundays? Come what may. I am have no control or whatsoever. Or do I? o.0

BELIEVE and you will have the power to do anything. (woooo...)

Bleah. Just go with the flow~

No more self-pity. No more negativity.


Getting through the days without the usual routine you are so used to gets easier as the memory weakens and deteriorates, even when the "routine" was only a couple of weeks' period.

True even more for you. Problem for me is that dont know why I have damn good memory. Keeps replaying and rewinding itself.

Most probably the memory/storage space up in there hasnt been made good use of and is still very much sufficient for redundant stuff.


Any auto functions for clearing old archives? Desperately in need of that.

Get Real

Get too caught up in what your fantasy life could be, and you will miss out on some important information that pertains to your real life.

Remember. Temper your zeal with a healthy dose of REALISM.

Be practical.

Would you choose someone who could provide you with physical needs or emotional needs? That will have to depend on what your moral values are and your objective.

I would choose to keep a distance from people who would go with the first before I get too emotionally attached.

It is a sooner or later thing, so why not sooner before you hurt yourself even more?

Burn. Burn. Let it BURN!

I have never believed in building bridges. I would rather trash things out when it seems to be the last chance for me and let it burn.

For what I give a damn still?

Low EQ so? I am just being totally upfront, though my straightforwardness may seem to be a little rude sometimes. At least unlike some insensitive people who do not know when is the right time to be frank with someone else.

Who knows, it might deliver some unexpected or even positive results?

Conversations with the other self

Thank you very much, I pretty much enjoy having conversations with myself. It had not been made possible without you prompting me the same questions every day, and receiving no reply at the end of it.

I dont expect any further development with these non relationship-building contributions made by both parties.

I definitely deserve something better, even if you might think otherwise. You dont judge me what I am worth just like that.


Going ahead with my best remedy ever... SLEEP that is.